Rankings of Power: Matchday 1 (The Jared Stroud villain origin story edition)

Some of you may be aware that in addition to my work covering Atlanta United, I write the weekly Power Rankings at MLSsoccer.com. It’s a blast, I have a lot of fun doing it and I’ve grown to enjoy seeing people overreact and blame me for rankings that do not affect anything and that I didn’t actually set. However, those rankings are just about the teams. What about the Literally Everything Else in MLS? Doesn’t that deserve to be acknowledged and subjectively ranked too? There’s so much Literally Everything Else in MLS. We shouldn’t ignore it. That’s where the Rankings of Power come in. 

1. Betrayal in service of dramatic tension

You’ve probably seen it by now. Austin center back Kipp Keller’s backpass to current St. Louis and former Austin player Jared Stroud might have already given us the most infamous play of the season. There’s like a 99.9% chance Keller turned, vaguely recognized the face and voice and motion of pointing to feet, then watched in horror as his brain turned a red light into a green light. 

It’s brutal on its own. But the deception is heightened by the fact that Stroud had the gall to say after the game, “Kipp’s a good friend of mine.” Buddy, do you think you’re going to go over to Kipp’s afterward and talk about your shared interests after that? Do you think he might DM you with a good meme later? Are you expecting to get a text a few months from now from Keller that says “Just doing a mental health check on my boys today, how we feeling?” 

The proper tense here is “Kipp was a good friend of mine.” Stroud, cast off from Austin this offseason after receiving minimal playing time in 2022, almost certainly (in my head where everything is TV-ready) chose his anger with Austin and desire to prove himself over his friendship. I’m all for decisions that take you down the left-hand path but you gotta accept the consequences when you take that road. Were those choices worth a goal? Only time will tell. But Stroud’s heel turn and Keller’s potential for a John Wick of Soccer-style revenge arc just became the best narrative arc of the MLS season. Will they ever be friends again?

In short:

*I do not think they were actually roommates although I guess there’s a chance they were on road trips.

2. Allowing false hope to make the fall more painful

The Philadelphia Union were down 1-0 to the Crew at one point this weekend. In fact, the Crew were outright controlling the game in a way very, very few teams have done in Philadelphia the last couple of years. 

Naturally, that ended 4-1 in favor of the Philadelphia Union, a ruthless team of fire-breathing pro-destruction mercenaries willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. In this case, the job was letting the Crew think they had a chance. It’s more fun that way. 

The Union are going to set a hilarious goal differential record that will never be topped, aren’t they? 

3. Knowing where the camera is

Ted Ku-DiPietro knows exactly where the camera is. 

After scoring a game-winner in the 98th minute, the 21-year-old showed elite presence of mind to sprint directly toward the camera that would minimize his route to being in frame while still having enough headroom and maximize the proper light exposure.  Some folks are just built different.

4. Using your platform

Last week, The Athletic’s always-entertaining anonymous MLS executive survey came out. One unnamed exec used his platform to explain that the Union “aren’t even that [blanking] good.” This person, on the surface, is very very unsmart. 

However, let’s dig deeper. Who would be ridiculous enough to suggest that the Union, the Eastern Conference team with the most points over the last half decade and a team that came inches short of winning both the Supporters’ Shield and MLS Cup last year, were IN FACT not very good? No one reasonable, right? 

Sure there are some MLS execs who may have been bold enough that day to make this mistake. However, it just feels unlikely. Why give a team who might be lacking motivation for the regular season after falling just short of their first MLS Cup and who will be participating in the CCL this year a little extra fire? Why give a team who everyone believes in “No one believed in us” laminator material? I’ll tell you why. Because your name (probably) is (probably) definitely (seriously, I’m just making this up) Ernst Tanner, Philadelphia Union technical director. 

Once again, Philly’s front office is just one step ahead of the league at all times.  

5. Noel Buck

I don’t have a bit here. 17-year-old New England Revolution midfielder Noel Buck was just really, really good and may solve all of New England’s problems single-handedly. I fully believe in their ability to be a playoff team now.

6. Being yourself

The Timbers came out hot right out the gate and won a game 1-0 after putting up just 0.5 xG. That’s despite putting new DP no. 10 (and most expensive signing in Timbers history) Evander on the field for the first time. A perfect Timbers moment. Maybe the attack rounds into form eventually, but Timbers gonna Timbers forever and ever till we die I think also maybe? 

Meanwhile. Real Salt Lake came out hot out of the gate and won a game despite being out xG’d by more than any winning team this weekend. It took two late goals and a whole lot of effort. 

All that to say, I’m just proud of everyone who lived their truth and made what they wanted to make this weekend.

7. Seattle Revenge Tour 2023 

Uh oh.

They’ve got Joao Paulo back, they have a striker in Heber who can play regularly to make up for all the time Raul Ruidiaz will surely miss this year and they have a general attitude of “I am so very mad about hearing about how we missed the playoffs last year that I might as well win the first 15 games this year and go ahead and wrap that up before August" that led them to beat up on poor Colorado this weekend.

They are very, very scary when healthy and they also seem as deep as ever this season. With the Union and LAFC occupied by CCL and Seattle avoiding the competition this year, it doesn’t feel farfetched at all to think that Brian Schmetzer might get his first Supporters’ Shield this season.

8. Realizing that the season has started

This seems to have happened for a few teams. Mainly NYCFC, who got bullied against Nashville and almost immediately went out and recalled James Sands from his loan. It still kind of feels like they have five more signings to make, but realizing the season has started and they should probably start filling out the areas of need in their roster seems like a step in the right direction.

9. Half of success being about not showing up

Congrats to the Chicago Fire, who did not play this week, for currently occupying the East’s ninth and final playoff spot in the standings thanks to goal differential. Anything is possible if you just don’t show up. You’ll never know until you don’t try. 

Last place: Colorado Rapids

The worst loss of the weekend and an early injury to starting striker Diego Rubio that might keep him out for five weeks. They didn’t sprint out of the gate here, huh?

Anyway, Robin Fraser deserves more from this life and we’ll just leave it at that for now.